Mike Haggar, a forgotten hero

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Mike Haggar claiming for vengeance

It was in the 90s when CAPCOM -the glorious videogame developer- launched Final Fight, a beat ’em up (brawler). I extract this part literaly from its Wikipedia webpage:

Set in the fictional Metro City, the player controls one of three characters: former pro wrestler and mayor Mike Haggar, his daughter’s boyfriend Cody, and Cody’s best friend Guy, as they set out to defeat the Mad Gear gang and rescue Haggar’s young daughter Jessica.

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With such a range of characters, which one would you choose? Guy, a.k.a. Street Fighter Ryu’s low profile copy (yes, he is wearing underwear under the kimono), Cody, who was constipated when the picture was taken, and Haggar, whose pecs look more like Optimus Prime’s cockpit.

Haggar, who isn’t Hodor or Jagger, with his FreddieMercury-moustache and his Bud Spencer’s or Zangief’s cousin looks, didn’t have a problem to start generously giving clouts or coming to blows with the scum of his beloved Metro City. And the game went on until things became very difficult. Then, surrounded by social outcasts, he managed to let his innermost rage out and started his special technique: the burst-’em-all-whirlwind (click HERE to observe another example). Widely spread out arms, disposed at 180º, closed fists, body rotation around the longitudinal axe… The results arrived instantaneously: he sent everyone stick it where the sun doesn’t shine, even though he had to sacrifice some of his life bar. It’s certainly worth it.

I must admit I love his philosophy. I’ve adopted it since I’m ill, although I haven’t brought it into play yet. It’s rather simple: when things aren’t going well at all -like when I’m forced to wait more than one hour in order to be programmed an appointment at ICO’s entrance hall and suddenly the administrative assistant who was in charge of me decides to pick up her stuff and clear out (right in my kisser), or when I’m told my time is money and wait 40 minutes at emergencies (while I was shivering because of fever), or when I’m suggested to get a shot in my arms instead of the port-a-cath- I say nothing. I just squeeze the crutches’ handles, close my eyes, and whisper: Haggar!

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Graphic representation of the so-called burst-’em-all windmill: Haggar!

And I see myself there, spinning like the Tasmanian devil, blowing heads like I was possessed. Mike Haggar would be jealous of me, since taking advantage of the extra-wide reach that the crutches provide me, my range spans up to 1.5 m.

Namely, some other scenes outside of the hospital where I feel the same -I tell you in advance so that you don’t make me mad as hell- are the following:

  • When somebody throws a cigarette butt on the floor (I can’t help touching that person on the shoulder and ask him/her: “Excuse me sir/ma’am, but you have dropped something”). Haggar!
  • When you are trying to get out of the elevator or out of the train/metro car and the crowd leap on you as if there were no tomorrow. Haggar!
  • When you get on the bus, which is fully packed, and some of the seated passengers look at you and when they realize that you’re wearing crutches, they look aside. Double Haggar!
  • When you are in a rush, you’re climbing the escalator and everybody stays on the right side except for a careless lout who occupies all the left side and doesn’t move away when you’re trying to pass. Haggar!
  • (This a Barcelona special) When somebody tries to sneak in the metro access right after you (nobody has ever succeeded doing it after me). Haggar! Or ushiro kekomi, but now I can’t do it 😦

I’m not violent at all, but everyone applies the self-control techniques better suited for them. But myself, as I’m a freak, I prefer to imagine those surrounding me flying through the air than doing it in reality. The best of all is that Haggar’s technique works for me. I’ve even shown the videos to my wife, who’s not that freak, and she knows perfectly how I feel. It’s awesome being able to convey this message :p Everybody should do more Haggar!

P.S.: Don’t throw cigarette butts on the floor, think about the environment in every action you take! Otherwise you risk to suffer a real “Haggar!”. You were given fair warning.

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